Well, I hope everyone has survived this week okay. What, you’re not trembling with fear in your safety bunkers? You fools! This is banned book week! People are celebrating some of of the most heinous and reprehensible pieces of literature the world over! You should be terrified. Here, I’ll try to scare some sense into you by describing some of these abominations in print and why they were banned, in the US or abroad.
1.Green Eggs and Ham By Dr. Seuss.
That’s right, you heard me. You probably read this when you in grade school. Maybe you were even foolish enough to read it to your own children! For shame reader, for shame. The People’s Republic of China were smart enough to see through what was clearly a critique of “early Marxism.” Now ,I don’t recall reading this book in any of my college courses analyzing communist literature, so I’m just going to have to trust China on their analysis. Starting a faulty dialogue on Marxism with the 2-7 year old children of our nation is one of the most serious offenses a book can commit, but apparently not so serious that China couldn’t repeal the ban after Seuss’s death.
2.Alice in Wonderland By Lewis Carroll
China comes to the rescue again, this time attempting to save the world from the danger that is this 19th century children’s classic. Apparently, showing animals that can talk and reason puts them on the same level as humans, a grievous sin. No telling what level being able to disappear and smoke hookah puts some of these animals on.
Americans also got notably disturbed by what they felt were harmful references to drugs in the book, though this was in the sixties, so I feel they may have been unfairly influenced by the Disney adaptation of the book, which I once watched and afterward concluded that every single cartoonist was extremely high on LSD and ‘shrooms throughout the entire production.
3. Lord of The Rings By J.R.R. Tolkien
The books and movies of this famous series have garnered criticism for encouraging paganist beliefs like witchcraft. Never mind the fact that Tolkien was a devout Catholic, or that he and many other literary critics point out strong Christian themes and references in his work. Magic wizard man made fire with his stick. Demons I say, demons!
Again, we also have people smoking plants from a pipe and talking to trees, so there’s also probably unholy references to drugs and/or environmentalism. I can hardly tell which is worse.
4. The Dictionary
Several schools have sought to ban dictionaries from their library shelves, seeking to protect children and other fragile minds from the explicit definition of various terms. One recent incident involves a Southern California school banning the 10th edition of the Merriam Webster Dictionary for its definition of oral sex. School’s can’t just give children the power to learn the meaning of words. We should stick to the tradition of children hearing insults or comments they don’t understand and quietly carrying the shame and fear of that ignorance until a friend incorrectly explains it and they grow up thinking sex is when a baby comes out of a woman’s butt hole and then the man and woman burn in hell forever. It’s what God would have wanted.
5. Where’s Waldo? By Martin Handford (released in England as Where’s Wally?)
Some simple minded fools might find it strange that a book with next to no words, besides instructions to find the famous Waldo in each of the book’s expansive illustrations, could be banned. Well, if you spend long enough going cross-eyed at the tiny little people on each page, sources say you can see inappropriate images hidden in the crowds. One of the most famous incidents involves an image of a topless woman lying on her stomach and sunbathing on the beach, a common enough scene in the real world that Hartford should be ashamed for illustrating. Let me tell you, you haven’t read thrilling literary critiques until you’ve read upwards of seven articles debating whether a centimeter sized woman has visibly erect nipples, or a tasteful side-boob with one of the many grain of sand dots only making it look like she has nipples to the untrained eye. Thrilling stuff.
Okay, I’ve done my best to warn you of five of the most dangerous books you might come across on this dangerous week. Luckily, it’s almost over and you won’t have to worry about wearing a thick enough blindfold when walking through a library or bookstore anymore. I only hope that my descriptions here were not too vivid that they destroyed your delicate sensibilities, dear reader. I only have your personal safety and moral sanctity in mind.